Where do we go from here?
by spooksfan31
Summary: Post 9.8 musings.
1. Chapter 1

**Written post 9.8. My very vague and probably hopeless idea as to the missing 48 hours and maybe more if I can to keep going with it! Never done this before and pretty poor at writing and spelling. More of a numbers person really! Love spooks but only began watching series 5 so have no way near the depth of spooks knowledge that you guys have so please be understanding. Therefore really lacking in knowing the R and H moments before series 5 so may make a few things up if I feel like it. Hope that is ok! May have Harry as having never married in the first place so no divorce or kids etc but I suppose that depends if I can keep writing and developing the story! Dont own any of the characters or storyline.**

He should have said more to her. A more tender goodbye. She deserved better than him just walking out even if she did now hate him for being a traitor. Lucas was sure to kill him and then it would at least be an end to the whole sorry business. If the same circumstances had presented themselves 1000 times over he would still have done the same thing. Traded Albany for Ruth.

As he drove through the streets to his certain death he searched his innermost conscience to see if he would be dying with a clean slate. And time and again he knew he was. Quite aside from his love for Ruth, he was sick of losing his officers and it wasn't as if Albany was going to cause any more deaths. An awkward time for the powers that be, sure, but nothing more than that. There would be more Albanys in the future that could be used as deterrents and all this would be forgotten. In time. But not in the time he had left on earth. That did hurt. The fact that his kindness would never be made known to the team. The fact that he would have done the same for any of them, though secretly he knew that it had been a little easier making the call owing to the fact that the life in question was so very dear to him. And he would go to his grave with her thinking he was a traitor, more interested with what he might have been able to get out of the relationship than in his duty to his country.

He slammed the stirring wheel hard. No two souls had loved each other so dearly, so respectfully and yet he had failed to bring about any happy conclusion for either of them. Admittedly there had been many moments when world events and other people had gotten in the way but there had also been so many others when had he been braver, more romantic, he might have given her the confidence to let him love her. He had asked her to marry him in the most unromantic of settings. He blushed at the memory of how he had totally messed up what should have been perfect. It was laughable that he had asked her to marry him having only been on one date that had taken place so many years ago. Poor Ruth, he should have romanced her more, shown her what joys there were to be found in a man and a woman loving one another. He reckoned she had experienced very little romance and happiness herself. The occasions when he had pushed her he had seen how terrified she had been of the emotions that he caused in her. He had never made the time to gradually help her become more confident in those feelings. Not to run away from them. And he felt it ought to have been him that had taken the lead. he was after all more experienced in relationships. Well, a little more. It wasnt in her nature to have done the chasing. She had been almost like a little girl in her contendeness just adoring him from her desk and never making any move. He smiled. It could be listed as one of the many things he adored in her. This new world of feminism was all very well he thought but it made some women rather bold and hard. Not Ruth. She was one of the most educated and capable people he knew but she wasnt arrogant about it. He wasnt sure if she even knew of half her qualities. She was shy and unpresumpsious. It had kept her kind and sweet and moral and allowed him to long to care for her, to protect her, to provide the environment she needed to be everything she could be. But this job they were both in had made a mockery of it all. It took all their time, their energy and their emotion to do the job well. And they were so alike in that. They wanted the job done well.

He had loved his job at first. He was single, free from all commitments and able to give the job all he had. This is what had given him the egde when it came to rising though the ranks and ending with the knighthood. But Ruths appearence had slowly melted a heart, that while still kind, had been boxed up and put on the shelf. As a result he had not noticed the loneliness creep in. he had never craved any particular company. That was until Juliet had asked him if he loved her. It had felt like a tonne of bricks come crashing down on him. The very bricks that had been there as such a good defence against getting hurt. And when she had said 'because she's in love with you' there was no going back. He had never thought of himself as loveable both from his apparent cold character and the fact he knew he wasnt God's gift. He was also 'getting on'. And yet, here he was being told that this lovely bright young thing with all the attributes any sane man would look for in a companion had seen through that brick wall. And what she had seen she had fallen in love with. 'She's in love with you Harry'. Over the next few days those words had caused wave upon wvae of happiness. He had realised how lacking in confidence he had become when it came to the opposite sex but now he felt so boyant he hardling knew where to look or how to act.

He considered ringing her phone, telling her Albany was a fake, telling her that he loved her and trying to end things with her on a good note. But he was nearly at the building Lucas had instructed him to come to and it would take quite some conversation to get himself out of the jam he was in. He pulled the car up, took a deep breath and got out.

**At the Grid**

He had walked out of the office. There was calmness and determination in the way he moved and that would be the last memory she would have of him. There was no backward glance. No final look. She racked her brains as to when they had shared their last 'look'. Panic set in as she found she couldn't picture it. Their last conversation certainly wasn't one of their best. Mind you that wasn't her fault. He was a traitor. How dare he expect to be treated in any other way? Anger rose within her at the thought of his treachery. She thought she knew him like no other and yet now it seemed she didn't. Well he deserved everything that was coming to him. But oh how she was going to be the one left hurting. She began to picture all the places she wouldn't now see him. At his desk, around the boardroom table. Tears flowed down her cheeks. Love and hatred poured out of her heart in a way she had never let them before. The feelings were so intense that she didn't care how many people saw. There was no controlling these sorts of emotions. If harry had been there she would have hit him so hard. How could he have done this? It was bad enough that he was everything she loved. Now in his parting gesture he had also become everything she hated.

It may have seemed kind to save her life but to do it at the expense of so many other lives. 'Oh Harry how could you have done such a thing?' she sobbed out loud. Her breathing was becoming more and more laboured as hysterics took control. At any moment he may be drawing his last breath and she wasn't there to comfort him. She kept trying to hate him and yet try as she might all she could think of was the way he had always been with her. Kind, generous, respectful. Never had he pushed his luck. Twice she had rejected him and each time he had taken it with understanding. He had never put any pressure on her to change her mind. Other men would not have behaved so well. Why had she never been able to give him the signs he needed that his advances were so wanted. She had never had much luck with men and she felt awkward about being such a novice at love. She had never felt attractive to the opposite sex. In fact she felt totally the opposite but in his presence she felt she was attractive. The way his eyes took in the whole of her, her character, her intellect and her body. She had grown in confidence under his direction. And very quickly she had come to the conclusions that the intense joy she felt at seeing him was love. And it had all been so wonderful and secret and not threatening in any way. Just her little secret. Till one day he had asked her out and suddenly panic had filled her. She had fantasised about it for so long and then when it came it had been a total shock. Never in her wildest dreams had she really thought that a man of Harry's standing would a) notice and b) be attracted to someone like her.

He had taken her off guard, she had said yes but all the time she was screaming inside that she couldn't manage with this level of emotion. He had asked her out to dinner and all she wanted to do was cry. But she had held her nerve and it was all she had ever wanted. He hadn't kissed her when he walked her home. Or even tried to. She wasn't sure how disappointed or relieved she had been about this. The gentleman in him that had not kissed her was what she loved about him. It made her feel so safe with him. And yet she also knew that he would need to be braver about making the first move otherwise nothing would ever happen. Her thoughts drifted off to how she had longed for him to kiss her in the quiet darkness by her front door. to feel his arms hold her. It would have been in such a chaste way that he would have held her. This was Harry after all. and If that first kiss had happened and if she hadnt then said no to any more dates then the kisses may have become more frequent and he may have started holding her closer to him. He may have started kissing her for longer before he said goodnight. He might have one day asked her to become his Mrs Pearce.

She came back from the day dream with a start. But he is a traitor, or maybe now it was, he was a traitor. And how could she have fallen for his charm. Seeing her slowly lose control of herself Beth stepped forward

'It's been a long day Ruth, I am taking you home' it was kindly said but firm and Ruth picked up her bag. If only harry had spoken to her like this she might have said yes to him taking her home. His gentleness and kindness in letting her do what she wanted had alwasy allowed her to back out of situations that she had secretly longed for.

'I just need to put these papers in his office' she said as she put on her coat and picked up the papers that were sitting on her desk, complete and awaiting Harry's approval.

'I am not sure you need to bother Ruth' said Beth

Ruth looked at her and tears fell down her cheeks again 'I need to Beth'

In a daze of fear and sadness she walked over to the office and pulled open the door. Not needing to knock because of his absence hurt, not needing to say hello hurt. She placed the papers on the desk and made sure they were neat, just the way he liked them. A few pens lay strewn about and knowing he liked the desk left tidy she picked them up and opened up the draw to put them away for him. It seemed a hopeless thing to be doing and she half hated herself for still wanting to be kind to him. She had never been in this draw before but it was obvious where the pens went and she placed them in position. A part of a photograph stuck out from under the plastic tray that housed the pens. Curiosity got the better of her and the fact that he was probably already dead made her braver so she pulled it out. It was of herself and him. It had been taken in the George in happier times. She couldn't quite remember who had been snapping away but somebody had and in a moment he had put his arm round her, pulled her close so that the two of them could be taken. Before she even knew it was happening it was over but somehow he had later managed to get hold of a copy. And here it was sitting in his desk. She had no such memento of the fact they had known each other. She looked towards the door and with no Beth in site she deftly slipped the photo into her bag. There would be an enquiry and the last thing either of them would want was such a picture being found. The powers that be would be on the hunt for any evidence of why it had been her in particular that had led to Harry's treason. She didn't want them coming to any sordid conclusions about the two of them and in years to come she would be grateful that such evidence existed showing that Harry's and her life had, for a time, run parallel to each other.

She walked out of the office holding extra tight to her bag as if the most precious thing she owned was now in her possession.

'You ok?' Beth asked as she approached

A quick 'yep' and a look that said please don't talk to me I just want to get home was the only reply Beth was going to get so they walked side by side to the car park and Beth drove her home whilst Ruth gazed sadly out of the window. Her thoughts drfited back to the proposal daydreams she had had before her untimely 'death'. During the long years in Cypres she could never have imagined that firstly they would meet each other again and secondly that he would have proposed. But what a proposal! It had taken her completely off guard and for once she didnt blame herself. Fancy asking me that after what? One date that had been 5 years ago and a good foot sperated us the whole evening! Ok there had been the dockside kiss but his proposal really had come out of the blue. She needed dating, she needed her ice cold heart to be coaxed out of its current state. Yes his timing had sucked. and yet she still thrilled at the thought that someone had loved and admired her enough to want to spend the rest of their life with her. Had she been more forthright, more confident with him and her feeling s for him she would have told him staright that he needed to romance her, to sweep her off her feet, to date her, to kiss her, to give her an idea as to what married life with him might be like. No she didnt want to be jumping into bed with him. she was old fashined in that sense and knew that could wait till a wedding ring was on her finger, but all the rest... yes she had wanted the all the rest before that longed for question. Dear Harry. He really had got that one wrong. How could he think that 'Marry me Ruth' was ok to say on the back of next to no dating or relationship.

And then she hadnt known how to say to him (when she was calmer) how the answer was going to be yes but not before he had thouroughly romanced her. If she had been more confident it could have been awfully romantic saying yes but with those conditions. If only she could have been better at flirting with him. they could have laughed together about it, she could have teased him about his clumsy proposal and he would have taken it so well, all the while coming up with a proposal that would knock the socks off any other proposal that had ever been made.

The street lights passed by a blurred way as the car progressed through the empty London streets. The emotions and the remaining drugs in her system from her capture were causing huge waves of tiredness to wash over her so as soon as the car drew up she got out, headed straight up stairs, collapsed on her little single bed and before she knew it she was in a deep sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

It must have been around three in the morning when she had been woken from her sleep by Beth. The sedatives that Lucas had given her were still in her system and it was a little while before she was fully able to focus on where she was, what the time was, what the noise was and what the situation was. Oh no. It hit with a sudden rush. Harry was gone and their parting had been far from ideal. She lay there still in bed and strained her ears. Beth seemed to be downstairs talking to someone. And yet all she could hear was Beth's voice. Of course, a phone conversation. It was strange how long it was taking her to figure out such basic stuff. She took a deep breath. The phone call must be about Harry and the latest news. She figured Beth wouldn't come to wake her with the news they were both expecting so she decided to go downstairs to find out for herself. As she sat on the edge of the bed she felt the tears fall again. She might as well be comfy because the rest of her life was about to be confirmed as one of heart break so she slipped on the pyjamas she had left lying around that morning. Tip toeing down the stairs she could hear Beth's voice more clearly. Her heart was racing with the inevitable news that Beth was about to relay.

'Yes, thank you Malcolm, I'll let her know' and Beth's conversation ended.

Ruth sank to her knees at the bottom of the stairs. At least it had been Malcolm that had sent the news. He was after all the only person who really knew that there had ever been anything between her and Harry. And even then she had done her best to persuade him that he had been mistaken. Malcolm in all his clumsy kindness would have given the snippets of information that he knew she would so desperately need. Her erratic breathing brought Beth out of the kitchen.

She looked down at her friend with slight confusion. Yes Harry was a good boss and she loved her work on the grid but she wasn't sure she could ever feel like this if either Harry or someone else were to be in mortal danger. Maybe Ruth was just having a bit of a weak moment. None the less weak moments hurt like hell so she sat down next to her and put an arm round her.

'Beth just tell me quick' gasped Ruth in between sobs 'has Harry only just died? What's happening to Lucas? How did Harry die and...'

'Ruth' Beth forcefully interrupted 'look at me' and she waited while Ruth turned her tear stained face and red eyes in Beth's direction

'Harry is fine. He's been at the hospital with mild concussion but they have just let him go home. Malcolm is driving him now.' She paused to let this news sink in and waited for the inevitable whys and hows

'But how? I mean what? 'Stammered Ruth as the first glimmer of hope was allowed to sink into her heart

'Seems Lucas bottled it, couldn't pull the trigger, took the coward's way out and jumped' said Beth

'He wasn't pushed or anything?' asked Ruth and she hardly could believe she was asking such a thing. She supposed she just wanted to make sure she knew exactly what was going on. She wanted to make sure no suspicion lay at Harry's door. He had quite enough to contend with as it was.

'No no, CCTV footage confirms he jumped. I think that's why they held Harry at the hospital for so long so they could glean exactly what had happened up on the roof. Not that he hasn't got a nasty gash to his right eye. Should look pretty terrible in the morning Malcolm said.' Beth smiled and it brought the ghost of a smile from Ruth.

'And what's going to happen to Harry now?' Asked Ruth. Surely Harry was in for a worse time than if he himself had jumped.

' well seems that protocol states he must stay at his job till the powers that be find out and only when they suspend him will he have to leave. Malcolm says it's going to be a bumpy few days ahead while the whole thing comes to light'

'You can say that again' Ruth almost laughed as the relief that Harry was still in one piece flooded her soul. All this bottled up love that had finally sprung to the surface might one day be able to be relayed to him, though when that moment might arise she couldn't possibly say.

'Cup of hot sweet tea?' Beth asked. 'I think we both need it.'

The memory of hot sweet tea made (or at least started) by Harry made the idea even better and more fitting for the occasion.

'Absolutely' was her reply 'so will Harry be in tomorrow morning?'

'Seems so' said Beth 'unless his head is too painful but Malcolm reckoned that knowing harry he would be in. Seemed to think there were things harry wanted to leave in order till the inevitable suspension.'

'Of course' said Ruth trying hard to sound indifferent.

Beth made the tea and Ruth opened a packet of biscuits. It reminded Ruth of times at uni when she had stayed up all night chatting or being a shoulder to cry on for some heartbroken flat mate. She couldn't remember the last time she had chatted girl to girl and the prospect thrilled her. The comfort she had found in the news that harry was ok seemed to spur her on. Perhaps she could confide in Beth. Well maybe. Let's see where the conversation takes us she thought

Meanwhile...

Malcolm was just ending the conversation with Beth when he spotted Harry walking through the hospital exit towards the car.

'Just rung around to tell everyone the news' he said as harry got in. He wasn't quite sure where to take the conversation. Harry had been through one hell of a day and Malcolm wasn't stupid. He was fairly certain that Harry's actions were because he had never managed to stop loving Ruth. However that part of the conversation could wait. 'How are you feeling?'

'Exhausted, groggy, shattered. Mind you it's nothing a whiskey can't sort out' harry added trying to make light of a situation which really was about as bad as it gets. Albany was winging its way to the Chinese who were yet to find out it was nothing but a hoax. The 2 men were silent, then harry spoke

'Its like waiting for the proverbial to hit the fan but not knowing exactly when, how bad it's going to be and how far it might spread and yet there is nothing you can do to stop it!'

'Glad you can make light of it Harry' said Malcolm smiling. He had missed the banter the 2 of them used to have in years passed

'Did I do the right thing Malcolm?' harry asked suddenly and it was clear from the tension in his voice that Malcolm's answer meant everything

'Yes, personally I do' was his reply but he continued 'but many others will see it as a sign of weakness as well as treachery. They will certainly take you to task over it Harry'

'Loss of title and a jail term is what I am expecting' said Harry rather quickly and tried hard to make it sound like his emotions were well under control. Malcolm realised that this was about the most accurate assessment of the situation but actually hearing it tore at his heart the thought that his friend Harry could be heading for such treatment. The 2 men fell silent again as neither could see a way to lightening this conversation. They drove on like that till they reached Harry's house. Malcolm looked up at the dark lonely place and wondered why on earth Harry had been unable to bring things to some happy conclusion with Ruth. As they entered the whole place whispered of loneliness, of moments lost, of chances never quite taken.

'Whiskey?' Malcolm was brought out of his ponderings by Harry. Two glasses were poured and the men sat down. Scarlet, confused to be woken at such an ungodly hour, came over and lay down at Harry's feet.

'Did Beth say anything?' Harry asked innocently

Here we go thought Malcolm, I might finally be able to gauge where things stand with Ruth and you.

'Not much really. She had been up and about anyway. I think she was still calming down after the day's events. Ruth was flat out in bed apparently. Drugs take a long time to work their way out of ones system and I think all the emotions had got the better of her' he looked across at Harry who was staring intently at the bottom of his glass. If he didn't make things sound better, the fact that Ruth was fast asleep was not going to help harry one bit so he quickly added 'poor Ruth, I've never seen anyone so bad after you left for Lucas. She doesn't know the truth about Albany yet does she?' he asked

'Nope. She doesn't. Was going to try and tell her but we were disturbed. You should have seen her eyes Malcolm. It was as if saving her life was the worst thing I had ever done. Wasn't nice seeing her view me as a traitor. I am not though Malcolm, really I am not' Harry's voice was sounding desperate

'You don't need to tell me Harry' Malcolm soothed but really it was just Harry wishing he was saying it to Ruth.

'When she finds out about Albany it'll be better' Malcolm added.

'In some ways it doesn't matter that I've messed things up with her' continued Harry 'I think I really put the final nail in the coffin a month or so ago when I asked her to marry me'

Malcolm gave a look of astonishment.

'Thought that would make you wake up!' said Harry

'You asked her to marry you?' repeated Malcolm incredulously. 'I know she's the girl for you harry but you weren't even dating were you? I know I am not on the grid any more but I like to keep abreast of the entire goings on and when it came to 'Ruth and harry progress' I heard a big fat zero. Had you kept it very secret?'

'No you are right in your assertions. There was nothing going on' harry replied

'And yet you asked her to marry you?' Malcolm said

'silly really, I was just finding it so hard to see how to break through her coldness, and I found after she said she had not wanted another date all those years ago I seemed to be unable to find any confidence in trying to ask her out again. Felt I had nothing to lose by just asking a question which would at least show her exactly how much I loved her.'

'I can sort of see the logic in that' said Malcolm kindly 'but I know thousands who wouldn't' he added

'Even bought a ring and everything' continued Harry.

'Did you think she might have said yes? Malcolm asked hopefully.

'To be honest I don't know what I was thinking Malcolm. I look back now and realise I must have been out of my mind. Poor Ruth. She let me down so kindly but it was in a way that left me with no hope of ever getting back anything of what we had.' His voice was breaking slightly as he continued. 'Life's broken her and I don't think she knew how to love or be loved any more. Still, it means that my latest mess up results in me losing her respect. With the proposal I lost her love and that felt far worse.'


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry this has taken me so long. Keep finding I am not sure where I am going with it! Let me know if its worth continuing with!**

Chapter 3

Beth and Ruth sat around the little kitchen table, fingers wrapped around large mugs of hot sweet tea. Ruth took a large swig and felt the comforting heat as it travelled down her throat.

'Oh that is better' she said 'how about you Beth?' she added enquiringly. Beth had had a pretty eventful day too and had been as wrapped up in the whole business as Ruth.

'All I can say is that I am eternally grateful to Harry for having knocked me out with that gas. It was kind of him to protect me like that. Otherwise I might have been up against the board too!' she continued 'we so nearly got Albany back.' she added. 'Just a bit more luck and slightly better timings and the whole thing could have been swept under the carpet. It might help harry a little, the fact that he had a plan to get Albany back once you had been released'

This was news to Ruth. She hadn't realised that Harry had put in place a way to retrieve Albany. So he had wanted it back. He wasn't so callous as to hand over a deadly weapon for a life and then to be so selfish as to stop and do nothing more. She was vaguely comforted by this but it didn't stop her saying to Beth

'I don't know why he did it Beth. I thought I knew him but I don't think I do at all. In many ways I never want to see him again and I hope the enquiry give him hell. I mean what sort of spook is he if he just hands over a thing like Albany as soon as the going gets tough. It's hard to imagine how he made it this far in his career. I love my country and that's why I love my job and to think he has now turned out to be a weakling and a traitor just makes my stomach turn'

'I know what you mean Ruth but I have this feeling there is still more to all this than meets the eye. I know I haven't known Harry as long as you but I don't get the feeling he is a traitor. Maybe he is just sick of his officers dying and perhaps this time he felt there was a way round the situation which would save a life.'

'But he must have known that once he had handed Albany over, however good his retrieval plans might have been, there was a chance that things could go wrong, which they did and that a deadly weapon would be in the hands of people it really shouldn't be. Surely he saw that?' Ruth pleaded. It felt odd attacking Harry like this and yet her sense of patriotism was strong. In him she had seen someone to look up to, to admire. It had been an overwhelming thrill when the hero she had created had shown he felt the same way about her. In her more positive moments she saw him as so like herself that today's events were causing her much disquiet. She felt he really had been selfish in loving her. Had allowed her to be the cause of the most unprofessional behaviour she had ever witnessed in him. And yet despite all this, his impending death had brought all the love she had kept bottled up for so long, crashing down around her. It left more confused about her feelings than ever before. Never had she felt more intensely in love with him and yet never before had she felt he didn't deserve any of it.

'Well may be the life at stake was very important to him' ventured Beth and she could see Ruth face colour in the dimly lit kitchen. She pursued this line 'maybe he couldn't bear his life if that life was lost?'

'Maybe' came the whispered reply. It was frightening that someone was about to fall upon her secret and yet Ruth longed for someone to know.

'Might Harry be in love with this life?' Beth asked. She reckoned she would get more straight answers from Ruth if the conversation failed to put Ruth fairly at the centre.

'Yes'

'I see. And are we talking midlife crisis, pretty younger women kind of in love or in love in love?'

'The later Beth' said Ruth

'And can I ask if this love is returned?'

'yes you can' followed by a long pause then' yes it is'

she had said it.

The relief that she had said it brought fresh tears that tumbled down her cheeks. 'But I don't want to love him, not like this, not after what he's done' She sobbed

'Gosh I never knew' said a wide eye Beth 'never noticed anything and there was me thinking I could read everyone!'

'No, there was never anything to notice. I couldn't bring myself to let it happen' Ruth replied and Beth could hear the regret in her voice. 'I have never had a proper grown up relationship and the older I have got the less confident I have become in trying or even thinking of being in one. And he's my boss and everyone gossips about that sort of thing and...I just didn't know how to be with him.'

'Why?' the younger Beth who was happy with more of a love em and leave sort of life style couldn't quite get this

'The feelings I had for him and the feelings I could see he had for me frightened me. Mum and dad never went in for showing their love, if they even had any, and at uni I saw a side to men that didn't really make me want to seek out a relationship with one of them. When I met Harry I was already considered by some to be over the hill, too career focused to be of any catch. I wasn't ready to be loved. Being overlooked had become such a habit with me it was actually of comfort. But he didn't over look me, he could see my very soul and it scared me. I couldn't do it. And certainly not in the public gaze of the grid where everyone's latest conquest gets pulled to pieces over a cup of morning coffee. What Harry and I could have had would have been far above that' Ruth stopped. She felt he had probably been talking way too much.

'So as things currently stand he loves you, so much so that it seems he has thrown his life to the winds of fate to keep you safe. You love him but won't allow yourself to do anything about it. I suppose this treachery will be the perfect excuse to keep on avoiding the great unknown. That and he'll probably have a lengthy jail term, if not life and that will allow you to just walk away from the whole sorry affair completely. 'Beth felt she was being rather harsh to an already suffering Ruth but in her simpler world you just went for what you wanted and faced the fall out if there was any. She was beginning to see that for Ruth love was a big deal and perhaps this was the first and only time Ruth had loved. No wonder she hadn't known how to handle it and with no one to confide in probably hadn't helped.

'Harry has been so good about it all Beth. He's never once forced the situation, never asked for reasons as to why I couldn't face a future with him; he's just kept on giving me room to be me. He doesn't deserve being in love with me' she added

'Sounds to me like he should have just grabbed you into his arms and kissed you senseless till you couldn't manage without his arms and kisses' said Beth

'That's not harry's way' retorted Ruth though the idea sort of thrilled her. At her and Harry's age they didn't have all the time in the world to dance round each other like she had dictated.

'Well if the enquiry gets wind of this there will be hell to pay for both of you. Not that you were planning to run to his arms tomorrow morning because that doesn't seem to be your style either, but if it were I would advise you not to. You owe him big time and the kindest thing you can do is to steer well clear. The jury are bound to investigate whether there is anything between you two. So make sure that for Harry's sake they don't find anything. No familiar chats, nothing.' Beth felt she was still being a bit tough on Ruth but she also felt it must be said. Harry had clearly made a huge sacrifice and the least Ruth could do was to create a smokescreen that might get harry a few years less in jail.

'You're right. I do owe him that at the very least. Oh Beth, what can I do? It was only today when he left for what we thought would be the last time that my body and soul rediscovered how to be in love with him, yearned for his touch, for his loving looks, yearned for being his. And you say I must continue to shun him. You are right, I know you are but it just seems like yet another cruel twist of fate. Suppose I ought to get rid of this too' and she pulled out of her pocket the little photo she had lifted from his desk earlier.

'Definitely' said Beth and lent back in her chair to grab a box of matches. Before Ruth could say anything it was alight... and then gone.

'Get the enquiry over with, answer any questions they may throw at you in a way that deflects away from any romantic feelings either of you have ever had, nurture this rediscovered love but don't rush into telling him. He has enough on his plate at the moment and he needs to concentrate and give it all his energy if he's going to win at all. ' said Beth 'for the time being you have got to be grown up and strong. Use this time to strengthen your resolve to welcome his attentions if and when he is ever able to give you any. If he loves you this much Ruth then he's not going to be falling out of love any time soon so don't panic about that. Just promise me that when the time is right, and let's hope there is going to be time and that he isn't shut up for life, that you give him all the encouragement he needs to show you what a relationship can be like.'

'I will 'stammered Ruth. She couldn't quite believe she had been lectured to by someone a good few years her junior, that she had sat and listened and had agreed on everything. Beth was right.

'I can see the two of you have the makings of a wonderful couple' Beth encouraged 'now let's get some sleep'

The two of them trundled up stairs and before parting Beth gave Ruth a hug. 'Don't worry Ruth, all will be well'

Meanwhile at Harry's

'Harry I must be going' said Malcolm looking at his watch.

Harry was rather reluctant to end their conversation but he knew Malcolm must be tired. He too was tired though he doubted there was any chance of a good night's sleep. He walked Malcolm to the door and they shook hands.

'Thanks Malcolm for everything' he said

'Hang on in their Harry' Reassured Malcolm and with that he decended the steps to his car.

They had been deep in conversation, mainly about Albany, Lucas, the inevitable enquiry and of course Ruth. Since Malcolm had been visited by Lucas in the preceding days he knew he was going to end up having some part in the fall out over the coming weeks and he resolved to take this opportunity to talk to Ruth. In his eyes it seemed better for Harry to continue the appearance that there was nothing between him and Ruth so all conversations were out of the question. And it wouldn't be that hard he thought to himself. After all, the evidence of anything having happened amounted to one dinner years ago and after the hopeless proposal things seemed to be dead in the water. If he didn't care so much about Harry and seeing him happy with the girl he loved it would be comical to know two people so utterly mismatched when it came to actually sealing the deal. Lucky for the two of them that today's technology hadn't reached a stage where it could look into the secret feelings of a person's heart. If they could then Harry would be sunk. He was also keen to make sure that Ruth knew the truth about Albany. He had a sneaking suspicion that she didn't. Harry had his pride and he was probably scared that telling Ruth it was a fake would just look like he was desperately trying to win back her affections. Perhaps, he mused, the hands of fate, the ones who endlessly put a spanner in the works had actually all along been protecting these two lonely souls. Perhaps, just perhaps this whole process was in some way going to bring about a situation where Ruth could feel brave enough to let Harry love her and Harry could be brave enough to risk his shattered heart and try one last time to win his Ruth.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here is the next chapter - sorry this is such slow going! Hope you like!**

All things considered, Ruth found she didn't feel too tired the following morning and since dwelling on the past 24 hours at home wasn't a good prospect she rose quietly, dressed and headed for the Grid before Beth had even woken. She was feeling nervous at the thought of seeing Harry again, the first time since she had vocalised her love for him. As silly as it was, she almost feared he had heard and would tell her she was too late for such declarations. What would he look like she wondered as the bus drove on through London's quiet early morning streets? Would his eye make it hard for her not to run and comfort him? How scared would he seem towards the inevitable enquiry? Would he show any guilt for the treachery? Ah yes the treachery and her feelings once more swung full circle to despising not only him but herself for caring so deeply for him.

When the pods whooshed open and she stepped onto the Grid she found Malcolm already there.

'How come you're here?' she asked genuinely surprised.

'Well the moment Lucas came to see me a week or so back I became involved' he replied, adding' and Harry could do with a familiar face around so timing couldn't be better'

Ruth looked at the floor. It was obvious that Malcolm did not see her as a comforting enough friend for Harry. She knew Malcolm had been the witness of her bolting from the relationship when it was in its infancy. He wasn't a stupid man she thought; he knows jolly well how much I hurt Harry. As it happened though, Malcolm hadn't meant the comment in any such way. Of course he knew that Ruth's fear had been the cause of the two of them failing to get it sorted out but he also sensed that the reason was the heart break and hurt that other men had inflicted behind those lovely eyes. Poor Harry had never had time in amongst looking after the country to gain Ruth's trust to put right the damage others had done in matters of intimacy and it was something that would have taken time.

'Let's get a cuppa' he said brightly in an attempt to lift the gloomy air. Plus there were things he wanted to tell Ruth and this seemed as good a time as any.

They walked through to the little kitchen and switched on the kettle. They both leant against the work surfaces and silence fell.

'Albany wasn't real' he said very matter of fact 'you do know that don't you?'

'No I didn't' whispered Ruth, relief breaking over her in a wave. Harry's actions made so much more sense now. He was the Harry she had always known. He was now Harry who had made the biggest sacrifice anyone had ever made for her. Unworthy as she felt, there was no doubt how much he felt for her, what high regard he must still hold her in despite her numerous rebuffs.

Malcolm could see the look for relief and couldnt help but tease this sweet naive woman.

'You didn't really think he would have given it over if it had worked?' he was almost laughing at her and her inability to trust even Harry's judgements.

'I don't know what I thought Malcolm. I suppose I believed what I saw. Not a very good spy am I?' she was nearly laughing herself at her own stupidity

'I know Harry worships the ground you walk on and I don't blame him. Good taste in women that Harry. But he has a little more sense than to trade your life for thousands' He looked at her and there was kindness in his eyes. Admiration too. It took quite some woman to be relieved that she would have been allowed to be killed if things had been different. Lesser women might have got the hump on about that too. But not Ruth. Tough as old boots she was and ready to give her life if needed. The kettle boiled and he poured the water into the two mugs that Ruth had prepared.

'How can I ever thank him?' she asked genuinely unable to work out how. Would words be enough, a look? Offering to go out with him in some ways seemed callous, as if it would be saying to him that he had somehow finally deserved her when in fact he had done that long ago. Malcolm's head was filled with all sorts of way she could thank him and he had to suppress the grin that spread across his face. It was exactly that sort of boy's locker room banter that had gotten Ruth into such a state of low self worth. And anyway, starting a relationship with Harry right now would not help the enquiry one bit.

'Be nice to him; take back the 'it was unfair of you to love me' comment for starters. He needs our support and he needs to know that it's worth his while fighting the inevitable.' He added

'But jail is inevitable isn't it?' asked Ruth. A knife stabbed her heart at the thought of those words she had spoken and how Harry must have relayed them to Malcolm. The shame was eating her up.

'Well yes I think it is but if let's say there are some strings that can be pulled we might well need Harry's cooperation and fighting spirit. At the moment I think he has just resigned himself to a life in a cell. The fight has quite gone out of him'

He didn't know how to phrase it in such a way that wouldn't cause Ruth to bolt. If she could somehow, very subtly, give Harry the feeling it might be worth his while asking her again then Harry would have a reason to cooperate with those who would try to help him. Impossible task really. Even without the recent events he very much doubted Harry was up for laying his heart open for Ruth and risk it being smashed to pieces again.

'I suppose Ruth, what I am trying to say is be yourself with him. Something that he can cling to in a world that is going to be whirling out of control for him very soon' finished Malcolm

'I will' said Ruth and with that she turned and made her way back to her desk. Just be myself. Just be myself. Just be myself. She repeated over and over. Easier said than done. The revelation that Albany was a fake had banished all hatred and confusion and replaced it with a love that was hard to bear. He'd be arriving soon, hurt, mentally as well as physically. He would be facing such uncertainty. And all for her. How was she going to bear the pain her own actions had heaped upon her? She supposed she deserved it after all her years of holding him at arm's length. She resolved to put all she had into being everything he needed right now. Now what was that she asked herself and made a mental note.

Firstly let him know how much I appreciate what he has done, that I know Albany was a fake, that I take back my comments.

Secondly keep enough distance to ensure no one accuses him of unprofessional behaviour. As long as conversations were kept strictly within the boundaries of any other work colleagues then no evidence would be found of what their hearts felt. She thought back to the photo. Even that was gone now.

The noise of the pods brought her back to reality and she looked up...


End file.
